


Goniff, Please!  Just Shut Up!!

by DixieDale



Category: Clan O'Donnell - Fandom, Garrison's Gorillas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 09:07:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15021314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DixieDale/pseuds/DixieDale
Summary: He wouldn't shut up and they were ready to do him some serious bodily harm.  They were trying to make a fast getaway after that last job, enemy troops far too close, and he just wouldn't keep quiet!  What was it going to take to get their resident pickpocket to just shut the hell up???!





	Goniff, Please!  Just Shut Up!!

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during the war years.

Garrison wiped his sweaty forehead and took stock: Mission, successful. Exit, not so much. Truck broke an axle on that winding road that had not just Goniff moaning about getting sick, but the others feeling decidedly unsettled as well. An Underground contact found them, said the way ahead was crawling with troops, no way through; offered to show them another way. Chief had a bad feeling but Garrison didn't see any other choice, and the guy, Emil, seemed to know what he was talking about. 

But now Goniff would not shut up! Well, he was talkative a lot of the time, they were used to that. Sometimes his chattering just breezed right past, other times it would get on one or another of their last nerves. Now, for some reason, it hit ALL of them wrong, maybe because it had just gone on and on and on, and Garrison wasn't sure who was going to be the first to slug the blond Englishman. It was only because Garrison was an officer that he wasn't first in line.

Lieutenant Craig Garrison shook his head, in frustration, in dismay. Just how long could Goniff talk without really saying anything? He found himself thinking he should have looked at his watch when their resident safecracker started this monologue, til he remembered his watch had bit the dust back during that explosion; he didn't know how he could have forgotten that, since his wrist had come close to following suit. Still, they'd heard about Goniff's Mum's Aunt Rose and her husband who played the ponies and kept losing the rent money and the landlord, being the agreeable sort, willing to 'take it out in trade', and Aunt Rose finally getting fed up and poked Uncle Charlie into her best Sunday dress and telling him, "YOU just take care of 'im this time, Charlie; I got better things to do!"

Garrison remembered quite clearly saying, "Goniff, shut up." That had lasted a good four, maybe five minutes.

Then he started again, this time about that fish stew 'had fish eyes in it - never saw the point in that, you know!' he'd had at that pub off around the corner from that 'pop shop I know, run by this big black guy, Alphonse's 'is name, wears long robes with real bright colors instead of pants, but don't get the wrong idea or 'e'll likely flatten you; coo, 'as some lovely things in 'is shop, all clean as a whistle. Well, as good as anyways; aint likely any a the former owners likely to be dawdling through a shop in that area, now is it?"

He tried again, "Goniff, please, just shut up!" This time the little Englishman managed a good eight minutes maybe. Then, they'd heard about 'that little job up in Manchester' that Garrison knew damned WELL he didn't need to know the details of. He whistled, giving Chief the signal to change places, that HE was going to take point; at least he'd be out of earshot for awhile. 

Actor heard that harsh growl from Casino, the one that preceeded actual physical violence. He debated whether he should just let it happen. Goniff had switched over to women now, which Actor would have thought he'd have left to the experts, Actor or, supposedly, according to their safecracker, Casino. Really, like they needed to hear about how Goniff had 'chatted up this real pretty skirt, enough she forgot all about that little bit of nonsense she'd just seen; just giggled and dashed back off again after, never a word to that bobby what was asking all the questions.'

Somehow their little pickpocket playing the role of suave persuader like he was saying, that was as believable as his story about 'Mollie, little blonde waitress I coulda really gone for, til I saw that five-o'clock shadow; sides, I could see the bartender didn't like Mollie paying all that attention to me, and I think I was just being used to make 'im jealous; Mollie's adam's apple kept jumping like everything every time those long eyelashes fluttered. Real nice carpets though, real or not.'

When he launched into that 'lady up London's West Side, 'ad a real fancy for what they called 'footmen'. Pay was good, togs were nice, fit real good; even 'ad the 'ousekeeper tailor them, like. Didn't mind the running errands, fetching this, fetching that; gave me a chance to look over the portables, you know? Coo, turns out 'er 'fancy' for 'footmen' meant something a bit different! Don't mind a good toss, you know, but 'er way of getting all wound up had me on my arse sitting rubbing 'er ruddy feet for a ruddy 'our first! Bout outta the mood time she gets breathing 'eavy! And she was one for the long stretch, you know? No slap dash allowed. Left after a month, lost 'alf my weight there, never did gain it back! Course, that tidy little bundle I took with me, that made up for some of all that."

Actor gave in and ordered a crisp, "Goniff! Shut Up!" That got them maybe seven, eight minutes of peace and quiet.

Garrison had found the cave entrance the Underground contact had told them about, the entrance that led to the tunnel that, supposedly would lead them through this area and end up on the other side of the troops, close to where their secondary exit had been scheduled. If nothing else went wrong, they still could make it. He circled back to the team, hoping Goniff had talked himself out by now.

He got there just in time to hear Casino's frustrated, "look, you little cockroach! You keep talking, I'm gonna tie your tongue in a knot, you got it??!"

The cheery note in Goniff's voice didn't really show he'd been suitably impressed by that threat, "sure, Casino, no problem."

Garrison gathered the men, laid out the drill, the order they were to travel in, keeping close, all the rest. Along with a firm, "and no talking! Sound travels in there." Somehow, he just didn't think that was going to work, not on Goniff.

Garrison spared a minute to think back over the past several hours, thinking maybe he could spot what had gotten the man so wound up, so voluble; maybe if he could figure THAT out, he could make sure they avoided it in the future. Avoided it at any cost!! Nothing struck him, though, and he sighed and gave the signal to head out.

"Blimey! It's dark in 'ere, aint it!" issued forth from the darkness.

Chief's dry reply answered, "it's a cave, Goniff. They're usually pretty dark."

"Oh." That was the shortest sentence he'd uttered for hours, and it gave them hope. False hope.

"Saw this movie once, bout this cave, just like this one, and it had bats and stuff dripping down the walls and big 'oles people kept falling in, and a big ole snake, 'uge! Would come sneakin out and grab the ones in there and drag them off. Chiefy, you think . . .?"

"Goniff, shut up!" came from more than one uneasy throat. The place was creepy enough without him bringing giant snakes into it. They'd already gotten their hands and shoulders wet and sticky from the nasty stuff dripping down the walls, their boots soaked from the slimy puddles they'd splashed through, and Chief had already pointed out some deep holes they'd had to be really careful getting around. He'd told them those little squeeky noises were bats, but that the little rodents would probably keep their distance. No, they didn't need to hear about giant snakes. It was quiet for awhile, just the sound of their labored breathing, the occasional stumble over the loose rock on the floor of the tunnel.

"An that movie? Ended up the snake was a pet; whole bunch a people 'ad got trapped up there years ago, turned into cannibals. You know, ate people! They used the snake, well, 'ad more'n one a them, acourse, to go out and fetch dinner for em. Just like a big 'unting dog, you know?"

Garrison gave a hearty shake of his head, trying to clear it, trying to remember which of the two forks ahead they were supposed to take. Somehow the image of a giant snake poking its head out of one of those dark tunnels just wouldn't go away now, and he found himself listening for hissing or slithering sounds. {"Blast it, Goniff, like I needed that!"}

"Alright, Emil said we take the one to the right. And stay quiet, we should be fairly close to the exit." 

"You think Meghada might cook some a that Italian food again, Casino? Maybe you could ask 'er special? That was really good; I know you said it wasn't as good as what your mum made, but don't see 'ow. Coo, could tuck myself around a plate of that again, or a bowl of that soup and some a that special garlic bread."

He rhapsodized for a few more minutes, then Garrison and Actor snarled a quick, "Goniff, please just shut up!" emphatically and in unison.

The squeeking got louder, obviously from more than one tiny throat, and now there was the rustling of tiny wings, an occasional disturbance in the air as a tiny body flew by, far too close. Actor looked down when he felt something touch him, reached out with a shudder to pull the little clinging creature away and toss it gently to one side.

"Hey, Chiefy. I 'eard tell bats, they get all kinds a diseases, they bite you, you puff up and turn blue and everything. You think these bats, they got diseases like that? 'Ad a friend, back in the East End, 'e 'ad a friend who knew a bloke what got bit by a rat and 'e started foaming at the mouth and everything, started snapping at everyone. Doctor 'ad to tie 'im up; died, 'e did, right nasty too. Though I never 'eard tell 'e turned blue."

Now there was the sound of a solid thud, and a yelp.

"W'at did you want to go and do that for, Casino? Don't go 'itting me on top of my 'ead, aint gonna be thinking straight for a week after that!"

"Ya aint never BEEN thinking straight, ya dumb Limey; don't know it'll make any difference! Just shut up!!!"

An offended sniff was the only answer, along with a few soft under the breath mutterings. Well, at least that was better than his monologues.

Miraculously, he'd asked for quiet, he got quiet. Enough so he started to get uneasy. "Okay, check-in. Chief?"

A whispered, "right here".

"Actor?" "To your left, Craig.

"Casino?" "Where ya think I am, Warden? Right behind ya."

"Goniff?" Silence.

"Goniff??!"

Finally, a more than a little sullen, "thought you all told me to 'Shut Up'?"

Garrison heaved a deep sigh of relief, well mixed with exasperation.

"Alright, stay close, exit should be right around that corner," and it was. Not the exit, no, but a group of partisans, waiting, guns drawn. One, a tall Frenchman approached, and Garrison went forward meet him.

"I didn't expect a reception committee," Garrison said with some caution.

The man grinned, "and if you had taken the correct tunnel, you would NOT have met me, any of us. You would have come out by the road, gone your way. We like to keep our faces unknown, prefer very much to stay out of these tunnels as much as possible. I am Pierre, by the way. Let us depart, this is no place for a conversation." The partisans made them backtrack for a goodly distance, then carefully to a side branch, then out and around to the outside, then to their encampment.

"We took the wrong tunnel? I though sure your man told us the right tunnel."

The leader of the partisans winced, "that Emil, he always had trouble with that, his left, his right, from even a small boy. We make him wear a string around his right hand to remind him; he must have lost it again."

Garrison just stared in disbelief.

Pierre shook his head and sighed, "you were lucky, monsieur. That tunnel, the one you were in? It has a bad reputation, you know; there are many, many stories. Drop-offs, the bats are said to go rabid and attack sometimes. And we've seen very odd tracks, very odd ones indeed, in the rock dust. Many who have gone into that tunnel, they have not come out again."

Garrison felt the chill up and down his spine. "How did you know we'd made the wrong turn, know to come after us?"

Pierre grinned, "we have a listening post; there are many airways the rain has made from the top down to the tunnels. We could hear a voice, always a voice, could tell when you headed down the bad tunnel. We hurried to cut you off before you came to . . ."

Garrison hesitated, not sure he wanted to know, "before we came to what?"

Pierre sighed, "we do not know, exactly. But there is a spot, maybe fifty yards ahead, a place where many bones are gathered. Some animal bones, many are not; all bearing teethmarks looking all too human. We do not go there, not once we found the place that first time. Yes, monsieur, it is most lucky we heard when you made the wrong turn. Otherwise . . ." and Pierre gave a very Gallic shrug. 

Garrison looked at his men, they looked back, and then over at their pickpocket, who was curled up sound asleep in a ball, rather like a blond hedgehog.

Casino asked, "you gonna tell him all that when he wakes up, Warden?"

Garrison opened his mouth, then hesitated and said, "let me think about that, Casino."

They'd been enjoying that rich Italian dinner at The Cottage, when, in a lull in the conversation, a highly apologetic Meghada offered, "I know it had to have been a rough trip, guys; I apologize!"

They looked at her, frowning, bewildered. "For what?"

"I had the motion-sickness herb packets all ready for Goniff, here on the counter in the usual basket, along with the ones for Douglas in their own basket. I knew you all were headed out early, and I had to meet Kevin Richards and had to leave before you got here to pick them up. Douglas wasn't due to stop by till that afternoon for his. It never occurred to me Douglas would get here before you OR grab the ones with the red threads tying them shut. I ALWAYS tie his with the blue threads, just so they don't get mixed up with any others. Douglas gets the blue, Goniff gets the red, Alice gets the green for her headaches, Mrs. Wilson gets her achy joint herbs tie with the pink, you know, like that. When I got back, there's Coura on the phone asking what on earth I gave Douglas! All sleepy and drowsy and smiling like a babe in arms!" 

Garrison remembered wondering at the time what had started Goniff headed off on that non-stop monologue. He dared to ask, "so what was in the ones Goniff grabbed?"

Meghada winced, "the herbs Douglas takes when he needs to stay awake and cram for an exam. Keeps him up and really wired for several hours, enough to get some serious studying done, then he drops like a rock. Certainly nothing to help with airsickness! You must have had one heck of a time!"

She had to wonder at the outbreak of almost hysterical laughter from the men, though Goniff was looking as bewildered as she felt. Then they both heard the story, in rotation, from the rest of the team.

"It might have been an accident, Meghada, but I wouldn't call it an 'unfortunate' accident, not any more."

Goniff had his head held high now, and issued a rather smug, "guess you won't be telling me to 'shut up, Goniff!' again anytime soon," only to get a solid slap on top of his head.

"Don't count on it, Limey! We have to listen to another six hours of your prattling on about anything and everything, damned straight you'll hear it again," came from Casino, and Garrison just shook his head.

Yeah, it had worked out for the best this time, but when he thought of that never-ceasing voice, all those stories, all those things he just couldn't un-hear, he couldn't bring himself to reprimand Casino, he just couldn't!


End file.
